Menopause - a positive experience?
‘Well MY menopause has been amazing!’
Like many menopause researchers and activists, I suspect, I’ve come across people who have had the most marvellous time in menopause. Whether with the help of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) or not. Everything is new and exciting, life is even more amazing than ever, their libido has increased, and so on. This is fantastic to hear.
If everyone’s experiences were this positive, my work here is done!
Sometimes the people who have had a great menopause wish some other folks would just stop being so negative, as if they’re letting the side down and spoiling the fun. I’ve even heard someone say that people shouldn’t ask for special menopause-related rights at work, because this it could encourage more discrimination by male bosses! And for others, to complain about the effects of menopause is itself a sign of ageing, of giving up. It’s best to tell everyone that everything is fine and great and just get on with it. As a therapist I’d be the first to say this is a perfectly valid coping strategy, in the short term anyway.
Menopause - the good stuff
Menopause can absoutely bring the good stuff, no matter your identity. Many people celebrate the end of their periods and their fertility. Many have had horrible periods and gynae histories, and cannot wait to get it over with. Many talk about the Not Giving A Fuck that comes with ageing. Many celebrate becoming invisible to cis men, marking an end to harassment in the street and at work. Many, once they are through it, celebrate themselves in a new way, and find new freedoms and interests. Many welcome their changed libido, to more or to none. Many realise they had long fallen into ways of living that did not suit them. Many experience a very welcome shift in sexuality and in gender identity. (How much of all the above is simply ageing, and how much the process of oestrogen reduction, or the combination of both, I cannot truly say.)
But not everyone’s experiences are good
And a person may experience some of the above, while still having debilitating physical and mental side effects. Periods so heavy you can’t leave the house. Insomnia that leaves you unable to function. Sweating that means you have to change your clothes and sheets much more often than you normally would. Joint pain. Brain fog. Vaginal and vulval pain. Suicidal feelings. Stress and rage.
Until all this is taken seriously across the board, and everyone receives the right education and support, I’m here for the folks who are struggling and I will keep talking about that struggle.
And I’m double here for the LGBTQIA+ folks who are struggling
The way menopause is usually portrayed in the mainstream is very cisgender heterosexual focused, all about husbands and empty nests and mourning attractiveness to men. It’s potentially alienating and/or irrelevant to queer folks, who may wish to distance themselves from it. And if you are trans or non-binary, you may find this portrayal invokes dysphoria and you want to have nothing to do with it.
In this process, LGBTQIA+ people may also find themselves distancing from medical support. There are many reasons a queer, trans, non-binary or asexual person may avoid going to the doctor, where there may be pressure to explain themselves and their bodies as well as their symptoms. It’s exhausting.
So yes, menopause can be a very positive experience, but until we have a level playing field, it’s our duty to shout about all of it.
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